Feature
Dead Broke: The Valornian Undertaker's Lament
Ask any citizen of Valorn where to find a mortician and you will receive the same helpful answer: a shrug, followed by a hungry look.
It was not always so. There was a golden age of the trade, back when the cannons would, from time to time, scatter Valornians generously across the countryside. An arm in the barley. A hat in the duck pond, with its owner's head still in it. Here was honest, steady work for the woman with a bucket, a strong stomach and a firm grasp of jigsaws. But the cannons have gone quiet, and with them the dependable supply of clients. One may call it progress. The trade calls it a recession.
Alas, the bad news has only just begun. The market, already stripped to the bone, was then cannibalized by the Life Monuments, which now stand in the squares offering the bereaved a tasteful, permanent and mercifully self-service alternative. No casket, no vigil, no sad little man with a clipboard and a sympathetic face. Just a monument, which asks no questions and never once suggests the premium oak.
And then, as is the way of this land, the cannibals arrived to take the little that was left. In fairness, they are the only party in Valorn who have never complained about the quality of the remains. It is hard to compete with a competitor who consumes the evidence.
When asked for comment, the last practising mortician of the realm declined to give her name, her address or, notably, her lunch order.
Valorn's dead, once so well attended, may now be said to be thoroughly self-served.
~ Cerberus
Feature
Treachery in Trinald: Power-Hungry IO Protector Offs Commander in a Bid for Power!
Chaos and outrage have swept through the street of Valorn today following rumours of the cold-blooded assassination of a high-ranking military Commander. Eyewitness reports and intercepted guild missives confirm that the fatal blow was struck not by the lingering demonic hordes, nor by raiders from the lawless shores of Kilican Isle, but by one of the realm's own sworn guardians: an ambitious Iron Protector seeking to seize supreme authority.
For months, the continent of Valorn has struggled to maintain stability in the wake of Demon Lord Balthazar’s defeat. Under the reign of High Queen Cordelia, the realm’s military leadership has worked tirelessly to rebuild shattered towns, and fend off emboldened monstrous races. However, behind the closed doors Strifegorge, a far darker threat was festering - and we do not mean the current mental status of the current Commander, pending the alleged threat of their cookie supply being rationed!
According to our sources, the Protector in question, a figure entrusted with the sacred duty of shielding the realm's leadership and upholding order, turned their blade on their superior during a routine tactical briefing. Those close to the investigation allege that the Protector had grown resentful of the Commander’s cautious defensive strategies, and sought to claim absolute control over the Iron Order's resources and reserves. (Won't someone PLEASE think of the cookies?!)
"We thought we were safe inside the walls," confided one Order member, who wishes to (quite rightly!) remain nameless. "You expect a blade in the dark from a demon or a rogue mercenary, but never from the Protector standing watch at the Commander's shoulder."
The news has sent shockwaves through the wider community, and raises serious questions in regards to the future of the Order.
With the chain of command severed at a critical juncture, several key issues now threaten the fragile peace, such as it is, that the lands enjoy. These include:
• Fractured Loyalties: as adventurers remain divided over whether to rally behind the surviving officers or hunt down the rogue Protector immediately.
• Weakened Defences: With the very fabric of the Iron Order thrown into disarray, there are concerns that Demonic forces may use this vacuum to launch fresh raids, and whip the citizens of Valorn into what can only be described as just shy of mass hysteria.
• Strained Diplomatic Ties: The upheaval comes at a perilous time for Valorn’s delicate alliance with the industrialised Empire of Ethucan, whose envoys are closely monitoring the realm's internal stability.
In response to the alleged coup attempt, a frantic call to arms has been issued. Seasoned veterans and newly arrived initiates alike are being urged to sharpen their blades, stock their inventories, and prepare for a (wo)manhunt across Trinald.
Whether the power-hungry Protector will successfully rally sympathisers to their banner or meet swift justice at the hands of Valorn's heroes remains to be seen. For now, one truth echoes through every tavern and guild hall in the land: in a world torn apart by monsters, the deadliest ambitions often wear a friendly face.
That, and where will all the cookies go?
The sincere condolences of all at The Shrouded Sun are with the Iron Order, and especially Her Majesty, at this time.
~ Dabria
Ask Balthazar
Ask Balthazar
Dear Balthy,
I am a fresh initiate standing at the crossroads of my destiny, and I simply cannot decide which profession to choose. Should I take up the righteous sword of a Warrior, the subtle daggers of a Rogue, the gentle ways of the cleric, or the arcane arts?
~Indecisive
Dear Indecisive,
Greetings from the cold, drafty void of the Hereafter, where the Wi-Fi is dreadful, yet somehow still better than Valorn’s career prospects. Being brutally vanquished by a pack of overzealous adventurers gives one plenty of time to reflect, and frankly, all four of your mortal professions are terribly overrated.
Skip the Warrior’s rusty tin can, the Rogue’s muddy knees, the arthritis-inducing handwringing of a cleric, and the enchanter's singed eyebrows. Throw your lot in with my surviving demon horde instead! Even from beyond the grave, I can assure you that burning Dundee to cinders offers far better job satisfaction than running errands for Queen Cordelia. Report to the nearest dark rift at midnight (tell the Deathhounds I sent you), and do try not to join me down here before Tuesday.
~Da B
While You Were Sleeping:
Altitan Opens Doors After Two Decades
The mysterious mountain city of Altitan, home to giant rock creatures locked behind massive doors since the Golden Age, is finally open. Adventurers can now explore the hidden face of the mountain to cleanse the giants' birthing chambers and uncover secrets tied to the phases of the moon.
Betrayed at Ryn
Archmage Azeraphel led adventurers, members of the Council of Ryndall (and the Queen herself!), in an assault to reclaim the demon-held fortress of Ryn, only to reveal his true plan to rule the demon horde himself.
Ryn Became an Ever-Burning City:
The confrontation in Ryn's Courtyard triggered a massive magical explosion that permanently set the city ablaze and claimed many lives. Azeraphel's daughter, Arctane, saved numerous survivors during the blast. Many were lost to the flames that marc - but what does 'lost' mean?
Training Options Extended
Many are dismayed at having to put forth actual effort to be at the peak of their profession.
Jago Prepared to Receive
The Architer finally has a home - see Verthedge for further detail, and potential leafy blessings. (Allergy sufferers, take heed!)
Flails for Gains
Sorynn crowned Iron Order Flail Nut Champion 2026.
Corsair Trades Name For A Mane
Word from the docks is that the supposedly departed Alexi Corsair is alive, well, and living it large, under a new identity on Killican.
The fake name might fool the locals, but Alexi’s new look is turning every head on the island: a wild, voluminous mane of curls so glorious it has left half of Killican green with envy.
"You can change your name all you want," remarked Inach. "A smirk like that is hard to hide, even behind the best hair in Valorn."
~ Anon
Feature
Introducing Valorn's Master Masticator
In each issue, the Slendiferous will give you his thoughts on all things edible, whether they are designed to be or not. Yes, no one masticates quite like Slendy masticates, but do not just take our word for it. Let's hear what we can expect each issue from the man, the myth, and, at this point, probably immortal legend himself!
The Inedible for the Mild Spirited (TUMS)
The world of High Cuisine is a respectable and, dare I say, exclusive place. To get in, one needs a refined palate, knowledge of where to find the most skilled chefs, the freshest ingredients, a taste for the exotic, and an appreciation for the delicate flavours that nature can offer us.
Which is why yours truly will be bringing you inside knowledge of the world of Low Cookery!
Forget all that fancy stuff! Who never considered what demon meat tasted like? Or if it is possible to live off centaur legs while training near Jensen’s shrine after a snow storm caves you in? Who exactly put the ‘poison’ in ‘Poison Fangs’?
Follow the expert advice of someone blessed with an iron stomach, and find out what you really can and cannot eat throughout the beautiful lands of Trinald!
~ Turcko
Now He Owes It. Now He Don't.
Rumour has it that Archmage Azeraphel didn’t perish in the assault on Ryn after all, he simply used the smoke and chaos to vanish and escape his crippling debts.
With unforgiving creditors closing in, sources claim the cunning Archmage left a few charred scraps of his Dark Robe in the rubble and slipped away under an illusion spell.
Now, we're not one for gossip but ... It's funny how the head of Rydall's Council forgot how to cast a shield spell just as his ledgers went up in smoke.
~ Anon
From The Post Bag
We are sick of your complaints about our Watery Ale. You track mud on our floors, pay in silvers, and vanish without settling your tabs; leaving us no choice but to stretch the kegs with well water.
Furthermore, our ale is for drinking, not for pouring on your heads to get "envy-inducing curls."
If you want stronger brew, clear the bandits off the trade roads. Otherwise, put your gold on the bar, drain your mug, or shut up and go drink from the swamp!
Yours exhaustedly
~ The Innkeepers of Valorn
